hi, Life, how are you?

I am amidst change with no input from others ... is it input itself, or truly not caring about such things? does it really matter or just affect how i peceive the situation? forget those thoughts of turmoil that have been bothering me for 29 days now. turn instead to what I have if I have no input from "others". Well then I am forced to listen to myself.

Ironically it seems to me my heart is fighting my mind. Where my mind has always taken a back seat to listening to my heart, as I prefer it, when it's time for my mind to kick in and take over my heart fights. So even if I am a person who prefers to listen to my heart, can I? Have I? What is my heart really saying?

Does it say I love that man? Or does it tell me it wasn't quite right and though I have gotten more than attached I should push my self onward? I wait, patiently as I say giving plenty of opportunities to be reached out to. Am I? When we last got together he made nice overatures whil we spent time together. And he made me feel loved while I was there. But pon leaving it is as if I never existed.

This is what breaks my heart so!

He makes me so sad that how can I possibly be in love with him?? Is it vanity making me want to hear I love you?
Just because perfect love lives in the movies without I love you, could it live in real life?
:::a tear drops as I express my hurt::::::

Well It's not all tears. One thing is right. I turned off the comedy and turned on the music. I listen to soulful new age...native american, latin, a little guitar. I sit in the quiet dark of my house typing. My thoughts turn to words in a blog and the sheer act of tunneling them out of my head and heart makes me heal.

I think back to last night watching that old movie.. I moved from the couch to the floor on my rose colored fleece (supporting the fine employee practice of polartek). I found, in watching a crew survive, that old instinct to improve my physical being. I found myself doing pilates and pushups and stretches while watching, deriving as much inspiration from the snow bound survivors in Alive as I have from ballroom dance flicks or GIJane. Perhaps this is a sign...my body wants health and I have in me the ability to persevere on some of my dreams.

My teacher says to me, about another, so that I might listen without defense, "he trained, and later he danced, and now he returns to training. what he SHould do, is BOTH."

As it is for me, I'd say. I once went to a seminar away in Pennsylvania at the home of one mr. gale, in the company of greats like kevin harrington, don and ginny gilkenson, and the famous Ed Martin....Got got up in greats.. What was the point for you...Ahh yes, at the seminar I asked that boys mother if she thought it would be easier to have a partner who trained. She considered yes, though her husband didnt.

To train and dance, now that would be a feat. I have met 2.

Gnight,
love
kate